You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
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Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.