What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
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Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef