*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
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[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
The news is so predictable nowadays
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.