If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
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Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Sharon, call the vet
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later: