The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
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Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet