Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
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I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”