I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
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Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I cannot stop laughing at this
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!