Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
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“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*