Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
You Might Also Like
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
*ernest hemingway voice*
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
real
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.