No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
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If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!