If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
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It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now