But that’s none of my business
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You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Yup.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I laughed at this way too hard.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.