WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
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“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Fiction has to make sense.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.