Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
You Might Also Like
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Shower sex be like:
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Wait for it
Meowchelangelo
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]