If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
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Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
put ‘er there pardner!
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew