HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
You Might Also Like
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Do not levitate over flowers