American Horror Story: Public Restroom
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date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.