Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
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*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.