Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
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dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.