9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
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said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”