Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
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My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED