Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
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If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
just witnessed a drug deal
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.