My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
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So many village idiots. So few dragons.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Sing it!
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.