That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
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I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Merry Christmas
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
*pronounces fake like saké*
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan