Happy Star Wars day!
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[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
me irl
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.