Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
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My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.