Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
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Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
marvel comics have peaked
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud