Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
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If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Did…did a minotaur write this
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Seas the day!!!!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.