The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
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I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
My circle of trust is a meatball
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.