The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
You Might Also Like
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
reminder
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.