Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
You Might Also Like
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Close call…
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
*controversially pours a glass of milk*