[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
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Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Our lord and savoury.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
let’s discuss
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.