priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
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Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
This is a true ally.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.