I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
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A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet