Hey! This isn’t my car!
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I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase