People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
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[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!