i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
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CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
john wicks are toilet candles
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Whoa 😂
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares