I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
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Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
The answer is funnier than the question
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Rooting for the overdog
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
It’s an epidemic…
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.