My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
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What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
they finally got him. they got macavity
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!