I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
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Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Body by sandwich.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
“Why you watching this shit?”
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.