To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
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I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Why does laundry happen to good people?
*limbos under the caution tape
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
quarantine day 3
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.