Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
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My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…