Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
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Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Every damn time
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?