What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
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It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand