“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
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What a chick magnet..
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”