Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
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I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.