interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
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The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
birds and squirrels envy us
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control