My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
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A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril