[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
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[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Dammit Chief not again
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”