As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
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I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Forever 21… pounds overweight
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
that’s really how it is
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.